Defying belief.

Chick Fil America! 

A hateful rant by: THE AMAZING ATHEIST

I’m an American. This means that right now, I exist in a country where the hottest of hot button issues currently being played out in the public consciousness, is a debate over the moral and social implications of eating fried chicken sandwiches and waffle fries from Chick Fil A. For those of you who have hitherto been lucky enough to avoid this story, Chick Fil A CEO Dan Cathy said in a recent interview that his company stands for what he calls “biblical marriage.” In other words, Chick Fil A’s company stance is anti-gay marriage, pro-creationist, and pro-conservative. And they put their money where their mouth is. If you have ever bought a yummy chicken sandwich from Chick Fil A, some of your money went on to be donated to the National Organization for Marriage, the Ruth Institute, the Pennsylvania Family Institute, Focus on the Family and Exodus International—all activist groups fighting against equal marriage rights for gays and many running programs designed to cure homosexuality. Many of these gay cure programs are actually brainwashing camps where uptight conservative parents send their gay kids to put the fear of God into them. “No son of mine is going to prefer mating with people of the same gender!”  

Yesterday, August 1st, was Chick Fil A appreciation day, and I saw with my own eyes that in my community, lines for Chick Fil A were stretched around the block. If images I’ve seen from around the country reflect the situation accurately, then it’s safe to say that multitudes of anti-gay bigots showed up to eat fattening fried fast food not for the usual reasons—because it’s quick food with lots of calories that can be obtained inexpensively and with minimal hassle—no. Yesterday, they ate at Chick Fil A as a political statement. And that political statement is, “We hate gay people.” I’m phrasing it more nicely than many of them would. If asked to explain their own agenda, many of these Chick Fil A patron’s would probably spew a lot of loathsome drivel about sodomites or faggots—painting homosexuality as against God’s will, and therefore evil. The Chick Fil A stand-off is, to me, a perfect example of something that could only be seen as normal in America. It could happen anywhere. Even enlightened countries full of intelligent people can occasionally do completely wacky and off-the-wall shit—but only in America do we not even blink when it happens. It’s par for the course. Most people no longer even recognize it as bizarre.   

People often ask me, “If you hate America so much, why don’t you leave?” The answer isn’t even something I have to think about: I don’t want to leave because I’m just too entertained. I’m an American, and I am ashamed of my country at times, but I also kind of love it. Any country that clogs its arteries and fills its belly with grease and fried breading and dead poultry in the name of preventing homosexuals from getting too many rights—well, that’s a pretty goofy fucking country. But it’s also a very entertaining one. If nothing else, you have to appreciate the non sequitur of, “I ate fried chicken because I hate gays.” It’s  a lot like saying, “I’m gonna go bowling to suppress black voter turn-out.” Or “I’m going to buy a pair of sneakers to end abortion rights.” 

In 2011, Fareed Zakaria penned an article for TIME MAGAZINE laying out some of the raw data about America and its decline. He writes: “According to the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), our 15-year-olds rank 17th in the world in science and 25th in math. We rank 12th among developed countries in college graduation (down from No. 1 for decades). We come in 79th in elementary-school enrollment. Our infrastructure is ranked 23rd in the world, well behind that of every other major advanced economy. American health numbers are stunning for a rich country: based on studies by the OECD and the World Health Organization, we’re 27th in life expectancy, 18th in diabetes and first in obesity. Only a few decades ago, the U.S. stood tall in such rankings. No more. There are some areas in which we are still clearly No. 1, but they’re not ones we usually brag about. We have the most guns. We have the most crime among rich countries. And, of course, we have by far the largest amount of debt in the world.” End quote. 

That’s us. That’s America. We were once a country that stood tall and proud—and we still are. The difference is, we used to have a reason. We used to be at the cutting edge of education and innovation, but a cursory look around will tell you the same story as the statistics TIME MAGAZINE furnished: America is a country in decline. Our boasts of greatness ring hollow in the ears of the world, like the delusional bragging of an aging fighter who still thinks he’s got the fire in his guts. It’s funny. They say that the last thing to go on a fighter his punching power. And that’s us too. We’ve still got our big, bloated military—our punching power—but everything else is fading. Our education system, while far from the worst, is lackluster. Our healthcare system’s outcomes are abysmal compared to any other country as industrialized as we are—which is especially sad when you consider that we spend more money on healthcare per person than any other nation on earth. The American Society of Civil Engineers rated our infrastructure decidedly poorly in 2009. They gave us a D over-all. Our roads, drinking water, levees, wastewater and inland waterways all got D-minuses.  

These are the problems that haunt you, America. While you squabble over gays and fried chicken, your country crumbles. And when the JENGA tower finally topples completely, whether gradually or in one profound world-shifting event, I know that you will wander your country wondering “What happened? How did it all turn out like this.” And you’ll probably look for something to blame: it was the gays and lesbians, it was because we took prayer out of schools, it was because of the liberals, it was because of those cowards in Washington, it was because of those Muslim towelheads overseas, it was because of the smut-pushers and pornographers, it was because of the blacks and the Mexicans, it was because of this and that and the other! But do you know what I hope, America? I don’t even believe in hope, but I allow myself this one hope. This one mental treat. I hope that some part of you knows, in the deepest and blackest recesses of your ill-functioning hearts and minds, that ultimately, it wasn’t any of those things that destroyed your country. 

It was you.