I didn’t get to go to Universal Studios today, but I did get to beat the fuck out of a belligerent asshole gansta wannabe piece of trash. So, I had a good time.
Let me tell you guys the story while it’s fresh in my mind. As many of you know, I am vacationing in Orlando, Florida. I spent three days at Disney. Then I spent yesterday at Universal, with plans to return today.
We (me, my wife Holly, my brother Scotty, and Scotty’s girlfriend Monica) started late today, leaving the hotel at 11:30am and eating a tasty lunch at Bubba Gumps in the Universal Citiwalk. We then decided to hit some shops to buy Monica some sandals. There was a small crowd of very trashy, rude-looking people blocking the entrance. Scotty said, “excuse me,” but they didn’t move. So, he attempted to go around them, and in the process lightly brushed the shoulder of a wannabe gangster in a blue sports jersey. I don’t know his name, so will refer to him hereafter affectionlessly as Douchey.
Douchey was immediately incensed that someone would dare brush against him and began to accost my brother. “Don’t touch me bro. You don’t need to be touchin’ me!”
I turned to him and said, “Do you have a problem?”
Douchey looked at my with the inept rage of an un-evolved neanderthal and said something. I don’t remember what. I just know that the tone seemed threatening, so I pushed him. He flew back a good 6 feet, crashing into his girlfriend in the process. He got up and got back in my face, “WANNA PUSH ME AGAIN, NIGGA! YOU A BITCH! YOU A BITCH!”
At this point, I was filled with rage, but rationality was returning and I realized that an altercation wasn’t worth it. Holly said to Douchey, “This is Universal. Just enjoy your day. Stop being an asshole.” He continued to posture like he was a badass, and we decided to just go into the store and put the incident behind us.
However, I knew in my gut that it wasn’t over. I knew that Douchey was too butthurt and would shortly return. And sure enough, he did. Security tried to stop him, but he found a way around them and approached me again.
“You wanna push me again, bitch?” he shouted.
“Yes,” I said. And I punched him right in his stupid little intellectually bankrupt face.
After that, a blur of blows were exchanged. He wound up bruised and battered, nursing a hurt arm, a swollen face and most hilarious of all a battered ego.
I sustained a leg injury—not from him (his punches and kicks were wildly thrown blows with no power in them whatsoever—he couldn’t have hurt a fly with his swings), but from Holly. In the panic, she attempted to pull me off on him, and ended up yanking to hard and causing us both to topple onto the floor. After that, security restrained Douchey and the incident came to and end.
I had to fill out an incident report both with the security for Universal’s Citiwalk and with the Orlando Police Department. Universal Security and The Orlando Police are truly some top notch guys. They banned that asshole from the park for a year. I, on the other hands, was told that I was welcome to stay at the park or to return anytime I liked. Both security and the employees of the store said that Douchey was the aggressor, even though I punched first. I think they wanted to see him punched in the face every bit as much as I wanted to punch him and were joyously happy when I did. Several employees of the store, as well as patrons, came up to me after the fight and told me that I was awesome and that me beating the shit out of douchey was the best thing they’d ever seen.
It was a lot of fun, I must confess. And it’s an important lesson for all you other douchebags out there: every once in a while, someone will call you on your shit and beat your fucking ass. And today, that someone was me.
Fuck you, Douchey. I hope your woman dumps you now that I’ve proven to her and to the whole world that you’re all talk with nothing to back it up. I know that you’ll be up all night thinking about what happened, trying to tell yourself that you came out ahead somehow, but in your heart you’ll know the truth: you’re a pussy. Your friends know it. Your woman knows it. And now, the internet knows it.